Posts Tagged ‘Mike Komisarek’

Beast Mode Lucic

June 13, 2013

Beast Mode Lucic

He was born in the glorious maelstrom that was the Boston Bruins Game 7 victory over the Toronto Maple Leafs.  A creature of such primal ferocity that he can make an opposing defensemen lie awake all night sweating and hallucinating a giant black number 17 on their bedroom ceilings.  He’s big, mean and talented and, if you need him to, he can throw your team on his back and carry them to victory against the most improbable odds.

He is Beast Mode Lucic.

BML to his friends.

And thanks to his Twitter @BeastModeLucic we can glimpse more into the tumultuous, visceral life this undiluted savage of a man lives.  Through the miracle of social media we can glean fascinating insight into his personal activities, beliefs, hopes and desires, as well as a unique perspective on the Boston Bruins and the NHL.

Already, we have learned:

  • He’s a big eater.  Enjoys the odd beverage.
  • He likes drawing and painting.  And stealing MBTA busses after big wins.
  • He owns a “mental baboon” named Angus Krejci.
  • His sons will be named Rambo, Wolverine and Sasquatch.
  • He gets warmed up for games by slamming Kaspars Daugavins off of nearby inanimate objects.
  • Goes to Plaster Fun Time with Carl Soderberg to relax.
  • A mentally damaged Mike Komisarek lives in his tool shed.
  • He appreciates medieval weaponry and movies about Pterodactyls.

In his own words, via Twitter:


“Having a quiet night. And by that I mean hanging out at an abandoned quarry setting off pipe bombs with Mike Komisarek and a mental baboon.”

“Just thought of a good birthday present for Cam Neely. Claude Lemieux and Ulf Samuelsson jammed into a wood chipper. Don’t let me forget.”

“Listen, it’s not cruel that I have Mike Komisarek living in my tool shed & doing odd jobs.  It’s me taking some responsibility for a destroyed human mind.”

“Last year I had Z over for a Game of Thrones viewing party. Fucker threw half my sectional through a 60″ lcd when Ned Stark got decapped.”

“Dreamt last night I was one of the Avengers and my code name was Captain Skullfucker. Called Dan Girardi to tell him about it. Dead silence.”

“Need more sharks around here. Thought of a new pregame ritual where I jump in Boston Harbor & beat the fuck out of a swarm of hammerheads.”

“Getting pumped for the game up on the roof of the TD slamming Kaspars Daugavins face off an old AC unit. He doesn’t seem to mind.”

“Pre game meal: A deep fried 22 lb turkey, a fistful of slim jims. Bowl of Captain Crunch and 3 bottles Guatemalen Coffee Stout. Ready.”

“During the TV timeout I showed Anton Stralman a drawing I made of him being eaten by a giant eel. I made with the crazy eyes. No reaction.”

“When I showed Mike Komisarek my iPad he just looked nervously away and cried a little. I worry about him.”

“Nobody realizes how crazy Greg Campbell is. Rents a room in Somerville, mostly eats hot dogs cooked over sterno. Always on about the UFOs.”

“Dougie Hamilton is an animal. No, I mean literally. Human beings don’t look like that.”

“Why is the Zoo closed at night? Goddamnit all I wanted was to say goodnight to the baby gorilla. Thanks a lot “zoo security”.  Assholes.”

“Chris Neil called me. Some gibberish about dinosaurs and how his dad was “excessively hairy”. I need to change my number again.”

“Note to self: Write a horror movie about a 700 foot tall incontinent hobo. Send to Hollywood. Rake in the dough.”

Tried to get things started with a Molotov Cocktail outside the Rangers dressing room but some security douches stopped me. Buzzkill.”

“When I shook hands with Rick Nash I had an overwhelming urge to apologize for what I said about his mom. Kind of glad I ignored it, actually.”

“Police scanner reporting a naked 6’9″ Eastern European looking guy sprinting up Hanover street with a bottle of Slovovitz high-fiving guys.”

“Z called me, still drunk I think. Invited me over for a cookout. “Not unless you put some clothes on, fucker!” Goddamned crazy giant.”

“Left 24 voicemails for Dion Phaneuf today. Mostly just farting noises. One time I recorded the toilet flushing. I’m sure he appreciates it.”

“If I had to guess I’d say Jarome Iginla spent most of today hiding under a rack at Lowe’s, huffing paint and talking to himself.”

“I feel good. Don’t get me wrong, my armpits smell like King Kong’s taint and I just threw up on Doug Houda. But I feel good.”

“Mike Komisarek got loose again. We found him in the dumpster at Autozone chewing on discarded wiper blades. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Dear Haters: Brad Marchand’s big nose gets more pussy in any given weekend than you did during your best three year stretch.”

“I’m glad I’m not a Wookie. It’s one thing to be awkwardly tall or awkwardly hairy. But not both.”

“I just thought of a hilarious joke.

The 2013 Montreal Canadiens”

Something tells me there’s more where that came from.




TSN Source: Savard Out 2-3 Weeks

January 8, 2010


TSN is reporting Marc Savard will miss 2-3 weeks, “according to a source”.

Of course, this source seems to have no information about what the actual injury is and the report was posted before Savard went in for his scheduled MRI today.

The Bruins will announce the actual results of the test tomorrow.

Meanwhile, according to a source, Mike Komisarek is having an illicit love affair with Tom Cruise who is inducting him and the entire Toronto Maple Leafs team into the joys of Scientology and eating live baby panda bears for breakfast every Saturday morning.

Saturday Edit: It’s actually 3-4 weeks with a partially torn MCL. Not good either way.

And 25 more baby pandas just bit the dust.

For shame, Toronto.

Additional Edit: TSN has changed the story to read 3-4 weeks, covering their hasty mistake.

For shame, TSN.

One Punch Knockout

April 23, 2009

Take a long, delicious look at the above picture. It perfectly summarizes the entirety of the Boston Bruins first round playoff match-up with the Montreal Canadiens which ended last night in a no-doubter style 4-1 win for the Man’s Team.

In the photo you can clearly see the result of mentally and physically foundering Montreal defenseman Mike Komisarek’s ill advised decision to square off once again with Bruin’s left wing Milan Lucic near the end of the second period. So ill advised, in fact, that you can see in the video, as the two come together, Lucic actually hesitating, chuckling, as if to say, “Are you sure you want to do this again?”

About a second later it was over as the man they call “Gino” landed one sqaure, clean right to the jaw of Komisarek and he went flailing to the ice yet again.

One punch was all it took.

Which is pretty much how the entire series went from a Boston perspective. Like Komisarek, the Canadiens never had any business going up against a team so far their superior, so much better at those things that lie at the heart of good, old fashioned hockey: skill, desire, toughness and an unwillingness to quit.

Komisarek and the Canadiens, however, know all too much about Quit. They seemed to have one foot out the door whenever adversity struck in the series and it struck often. Their fans know all about Quit as they practiced the art of leaving early to beat the traffic in both games at the Molson Centre.

Before they slunk off into the night with their tail between their legs, however, they once again revealed the miserable nature of what makes them such Drama Queens. When the score became 4-1, like petulant little whiners, they quit on their team and decided to rain mock cheers and boos down upon struggling 21 year old goalie Carey Price. It was a moment of astonishing embarrassment for all in the hockey world who observed it.

Have they really become so hockley dumb up there? Have they really lost that much perspective on what this game is all about? I think so. It would be sad if it wasn’t so much goddamned fun.

So now the Bruins move on and the Habs become a small footnote in their quest for Lord Stanley’s magnificent hardware. Their second round opponent is yet to be decided but there is a strong indication it might be yet another close, bitter rival uniformed in red and blue.

Oh, yeah. Guess who’s coming to town?

S’okay. Gino needs a new punching bag.

Frontier Justice

April 18, 2009

Eastern Conference Quarterfinals Game Two, Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens at TD Banknorth Garden in Boston.

So, on to the second chapter in the story. After the developments and controversy of the way things concluded in the first game, I would expect the Bruins to come out with a bit more intensity and emotion than they initially showed in that first game. They managed a 4-2 win but did so without playing their best game. There were tenative moments and one would hope to see more of the brash confidence that made the team so successful in the regular season.

Let’s face it, they are a far superior team than the Habs could ever dream of being and I, for one, would like to see them show it handily tonight at the Garden.

Now, bear in mind, they have nothing to prove to the fans or to the Canadiens physically. That last regular season game they played against them, in which Montreal players acted like frightened petite fleurs in various confrontations with Bruins players was about all one needed to see to understand that it’s not just talent that the B’s have in spades over the Habs, it’s balls. The Bruins have dominated them physically all season long so, as I say, there’s little more to prove in that department.


Certain people need to answer for their actions in that last game via the time honored Code that exists in the NHL. The following players, if they are to shed their weak, girlish images, need to answer the bell like Men. If they remember how.

Mike Komisarek aka The Turtle. After the humiliating beating he took from Milan Lucic that knocked him out of the line-up for weeks earlier int he season to the way he backed down and outright turtled against Shawn Thornton and Zdeno Chara, he is someone that the hockey world as a whole has lost every last shred of respect for.

To add to it, his catty eye-gouging of little Matt Hunwick at the end of Game One showed even more depth to his obvious cowardly nature. Has there even been a guy that big, at 6-5 240, that has played so small and refused to answer the bell so consistently? Is there a player in the entire league who plays the game inside such a huge shadow of fear as he does? I can’t think of one.

Tom Kostopoulos aka Beer League Wannabe. A career 4th liner without the actual resume that many 4th liners have in terms of grinding abiltity, toughness, defense and the odd goal or two, he remains a mystery to many in terms of why he dresses for any games at all in the NHL, given his astonsihing dearth of skill. Perhaps he has compromising pictures of Bob Gainey stashed in a hidden location. Perhaps the photos include himself.

In any case, the attempted elbow thrown at the head of Matt Hunwick (a 5-11, 190 lb. offensive defenseman) again violates the essense of the code and basic manly play. Perhaps a waning career as a middleweight punching bag has left him bitter and wanting to hurt young players with an actual future in the league, who knows. He escaped suspension for it but methinks he might not escape justice at the hands of, say, someone like Mark Stuart, given the right timing. Of course, Tom has to be willing and that is always a question for a player like that.

Mathieu Schneider aka The NHL’s Most Effeminate Defenseman. No one seems to have notice his attempted spear on Marc Savard near the end of the last game, though you may have noticed Savvy’s willingness to drop the gloves and Schneiders shrieking, womanly fear of doing so. You’d think a veteran like that would have been in a scrum or two in his life and not have to resort to using his stick to keep himself safe. I dunno, I guess you do what you have to when a monster like Savard is coming at you. A girl’s gotta protect herself in a situation like that.

Bottom line: The Bruins should come out and show everyone who’s Boss tonight and, if the opportunity presents itself, maybe show the Bleu, Blanc et Rougettes what Real Men on Skates look like.

Might be some wet undies in the Habs’ locker room when it’s all said and done.

I Have Hate In My Heart

April 16, 2009

And it feels good.

Game One of the Eastern Conference Semifinals featuring the Boston Bruins vs. the Montreal Canadiens. Tonight at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston.

The Real Men vs. The Turtling Sissy Boys.

To all the Habs and every last one of their fans: Fuck You and the dandified, prissy little pony you rode in on. Tonight and forevermore, you are our bitches.

Now let’s drop the puck and Get. It. On.