Posts Tagged ‘Dion Phaneuf’

Beast Mode Lucic

June 13, 2013

Beast Mode Lucic

He was born in the glorious maelstrom that was the Boston Bruins Game 7 victory over the Toronto Maple Leafs.  A creature of such primal ferocity that he can make an opposing defensemen lie awake all night sweating and hallucinating a giant black number 17 on their bedroom ceilings.  He’s big, mean and talented and, if you need him to, he can throw your team on his back and carry them to victory against the most improbable odds.

He is Beast Mode Lucic.

BML to his friends.

And thanks to his Twitter @BeastModeLucic we can glimpse more into the tumultuous, visceral life this undiluted savage of a man lives.  Through the miracle of social media we can glean fascinating insight into his personal activities, beliefs, hopes and desires, as well as a unique perspective on the Boston Bruins and the NHL.

Already, we have learned:

  • He’s a big eater.  Enjoys the odd beverage.
  • He likes drawing and painting.  And stealing MBTA busses after big wins.
  • He owns a “mental baboon” named Angus Krejci.
  • His sons will be named Rambo, Wolverine and Sasquatch.
  • He gets warmed up for games by slamming Kaspars Daugavins off of nearby inanimate objects.
  • Goes to Plaster Fun Time with Carl Soderberg to relax.
  • A mentally damaged Mike Komisarek lives in his tool shed.
  • He appreciates medieval weaponry and movies about Pterodactyls.

In his own words, via Twitter:


“Having a quiet night. And by that I mean hanging out at an abandoned quarry setting off pipe bombs with Mike Komisarek and a mental baboon.”

“Just thought of a good birthday present for Cam Neely. Claude Lemieux and Ulf Samuelsson jammed into a wood chipper. Don’t let me forget.”

“Listen, it’s not cruel that I have Mike Komisarek living in my tool shed & doing odd jobs.  It’s me taking some responsibility for a destroyed human mind.”

“Last year I had Z over for a Game of Thrones viewing party. Fucker threw half my sectional through a 60″ lcd when Ned Stark got decapped.”

“Dreamt last night I was one of the Avengers and my code name was Captain Skullfucker. Called Dan Girardi to tell him about it. Dead silence.”

“Need more sharks around here. Thought of a new pregame ritual where I jump in Boston Harbor & beat the fuck out of a swarm of hammerheads.”

“Getting pumped for the game up on the roof of the TD slamming Kaspars Daugavins face off an old AC unit. He doesn’t seem to mind.”

“Pre game meal: A deep fried 22 lb turkey, a fistful of slim jims. Bowl of Captain Crunch and 3 bottles Guatemalen Coffee Stout. Ready.”

“During the TV timeout I showed Anton Stralman a drawing I made of him being eaten by a giant eel. I made with the crazy eyes. No reaction.”

“When I showed Mike Komisarek my iPad he just looked nervously away and cried a little. I worry about him.”

“Nobody realizes how crazy Greg Campbell is. Rents a room in Somerville, mostly eats hot dogs cooked over sterno. Always on about the UFOs.”

“Dougie Hamilton is an animal. No, I mean literally. Human beings don’t look like that.”

“Why is the Zoo closed at night? Goddamnit all I wanted was to say goodnight to the baby gorilla. Thanks a lot “zoo security”.  Assholes.”

“Chris Neil called me. Some gibberish about dinosaurs and how his dad was “excessively hairy”. I need to change my number again.”

“Note to self: Write a horror movie about a 700 foot tall incontinent hobo. Send to Hollywood. Rake in the dough.”

Tried to get things started with a Molotov Cocktail outside the Rangers dressing room but some security douches stopped me. Buzzkill.”

“When I shook hands with Rick Nash I had an overwhelming urge to apologize for what I said about his mom. Kind of glad I ignored it, actually.”

“Police scanner reporting a naked 6’9″ Eastern European looking guy sprinting up Hanover street with a bottle of Slovovitz high-fiving guys.”

“Z called me, still drunk I think. Invited me over for a cookout. “Not unless you put some clothes on, fucker!” Goddamned crazy giant.”

“Left 24 voicemails for Dion Phaneuf today. Mostly just farting noises. One time I recorded the toilet flushing. I’m sure he appreciates it.”

“If I had to guess I’d say Jarome Iginla spent most of today hiding under a rack at Lowe’s, huffing paint and talking to himself.”

“I feel good. Don’t get me wrong, my armpits smell like King Kong’s taint and I just threw up on Doug Houda. But I feel good.”

“Mike Komisarek got loose again. We found him in the dumpster at Autozone chewing on discarded wiper blades. Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Dear Haters: Brad Marchand’s big nose gets more pussy in any given weekend than you did during your best three year stretch.”

“I’m glad I’m not a Wookie. It’s one thing to be awkwardly tall or awkwardly hairy. But not both.”

“I just thought of a hilarious joke.

The 2013 Montreal Canadiens”

Something tells me there’s more where that came from.




Toronto Trash

March 20, 2011

horton phaneuf

Welcome back to the lineup, Andrew Ference. Here’s your reward. A big, fat Minus 3.

Not that that makes you a whole lot different from the rest of your teammates. You might be the leader in the clubhouse with that stat but there’s no one who skated in black and gold in Toronto last night that should hold their heads especially high. Certainly, Claude Julien agrees and he is, as we speak, holding a rare Sunday practice to try and shake his team out of some concerning doldrums.

Last night’s 5-2 loss to the Leafs seemed like a pretty clear case of a team hungry for points and desperate to win versus a team feeling a little too comfortable with themselves and their position in the standings. In this last stretch of games, it seems like every time the B’s go up against a team in a serious race for a playoff spot, they are found wanting.

The Leafs badly outplayed the Bruins. The entire evening was a delightful romp for the locals, fans enjoying great opportunities for booing and cheering alike. It was also another great example of a team with smaller, faster forwards than the Bruins skating circles around them. You made Joey Crabb look like an All-Star. That’s not easy to do.

I just don’t like it. The Bruins were supposedly, after the trade deadline, a powerhouse team on the rise. Depth at forward, size and strength, goal scoring, superior defense and stellar goaltending. That’s not the kind of team that’s supposed to go into Toronto and get blown out. To lose to the Nashville Predators and Buffalo Sabres. To go into overtime with the Columbus Blue Jackets. A team sitting at number one in the Power Rankings (ahead of Detroit and Chicago, Philadelphia and Washington) is not supposed to look like a weak sister to the Playoff Bubble Crew.

Again, it seems there is a missing component to what the team does on a regular basis and, again, I find myself questioning Claude Julien’s approach.

This team should be better. Bottom line, it should. If he can’t be the one to get them to play up to potential, then it’s time to consider looking elsewhere.

Pussy of the Night Award: Dion Phaneuf for not removing his helmet and shield when challenged by Nathan Horton. Yeah, it’s a 5-1 game and you don’t have to go but there’s a history there and Horton wants it settled, man to man. Either you oblige or you don’t. Horton did the right thing, doffing his helmet. Phaneuf kept the shield in place. Weak.

Breaking The Leafs

February 1, 2010

Thank you, Toronto.

As holders of the Toronto Maple Leaf’s (already the 3rd worst team in the NHL) 2010 1st round pick, that might be what Peter Chiarelli and the Boston Bruins were saying yesterday when they saw this.

Is it me or did Brian Burke Just completely gut his offense in order to acquire a defenseman and a goalie? Granted, an All-Star calibre d-man in Dion Phaneuf but, potentially, a fairly mediocre goaltender in J.S. Giguere. He’s posted goals against above 3.00 for the past two seasons and a saves percentage hovering right at .900.

Headed out of town are defenseman Ian White, goaltender Vesa Toskala and a shitload of points from the forward position. Niklas Hagman, 20 goals, Matt Stajan, 41 points and 26 years old. Jason Blake has under performed and Jamal Mayers is a role player but that now leaves 4 regular slots at the forward position that Toronto will need filled, either from the minors or other transactions.

Hello Jay Rosehill.

Head Coach Ron Wilson unintentionally spells out the problems for his team in the near future.

“In one fell swoop, we’ve made ourselves the youngest team in the league,” head coach Ron Wilson said. “Instead of looking back, we’re looking forward.”

Yes, Ron, by necessity. Because half of your roster is about to be populated by Toronto Marlies.

Wait, wait. You also got Fredrik Sjostrom from the flames. 46 games, 1 goal. Take a quick peek at the Toronto Roster following these trades. Looks to me like your second line right wing is now Colton Orr.

Don’t get me completely wrong, I think Dion Phaneuf is an excellent defenseman, someone the team can build around. J.S. Giguere was once an excellent goaltender and perhaps can be rehabbed. Perhaps you’re thinking you can build a team around defense and goaltending, though, if that was the case why would you center your offense around Phil Kessel and have Ron Wilson as your coach? Chances are better that they want to unleash Phaneuf as an offensive force and not worry about his shortcomings in his own zone.

One thing is certain, at $6 million a year, he better be good. Oh, yeah, Giguere makes $7 million. A lot of cap space taken up there, now, which makes this move all the more of a gamble when you think about it.

All I’m certain of is that, in the short term, this is the Leafs throwing in the towel for this season, and who can blame them? Mired at the lowest levels of the entire league all year and nowhere to go but up, Burke must be in total why-the-fuck-not mode. The best player of all ten who changed teams yesterday ended up on the Leafs. A lot of folks will say that’s how you win trades.

I’m not sure the 2010 standings will show that, however.

All to the Bruins benefit, of course.

Chaos in Calgary

September 18, 2009

This was rather interesting.

A lot of emotions for a preseason game. Then again, the youngster was removed on a stretcher and Phaneuf did seem to leave his feet a bit for the hit. Thankfully, Okposo has only suffered a mild concussion from the incident.

It should be noted that the NHL has taken no action against Phaneuf but has suspended Pascal Morency, who many might say did exactly what he should have in that situation; defend a fallen teammate.

I mean, this is Western Canada, is it not?

Agree or disagree?