God H8s Ur Hockey

by
Westboro Baptist Shitheads

Wait. Jesus isn't the King of Kings fans after all?

So I guess there’s a group of semi-literate, brain damaged inbreds called the Westboro Baptist Church that’s got themselves a little publicity over the years going about staging ridiculous, hateful protests at funerals. Known mostly for their anti-gay activities, picketing the services of tragic victims of anti-gay violence, they’ve also got their nut-on for the Marine Corps and the American Jewish community, as well. I believe they even showed up at the funeral of Heath Ledger because he once played a gay man in a film.

Obviously these are attention seeking monkey-people with the IQ of peat moss. Of that, there can be no argument. People with just no real purpose in life and absurd amounts of time on their hands. Every picture I see of them screams Childhood Trauma, Mental Illness, Alzheimer’s and Prescription Drug Abuse.

It’s also obvious, given their vitriolic anti-gay themes, that the large majority of them are closeted homosexuals, as well. What else would drive them to such extremes? If Trench Coat Granny there would just trade in her sign for a strap-on she’d probably enjoy a much less miserable existence than she does now. I’m sure.

So, then, the latest target of their mind-addled hatred?

Hockey.

This past Sunday, they were outside American Airlines Center in Dallas picketing the Stars/Coyotes match for reasons that are as baffling to us thinking people-folk us as, likely, television remote controls are to them. Let’s be honest, I’m pretty certain one of them recently died from a massive brain aneurism brought on by trying to program some favorites into their car radio.

From their online announcement relating to the event:

God H8s Ur hockey! WBC will picket your stupid, cold (you will truly pray for these days of being in the cold hockey games when you burn in hell for eternity) violent, time-wasting hockey game – your SPORT.

Well, there’s one thing I’ll give you guys at the WBC. When it comes to time-wasting, you’re motherfucking experts. Beyond that, there’s not much I can really credit to this endeavor or anything else you do that makes any sense. You really think Jesus wouldn’t like hockey? The guy was a carpenter, for Christ’s sake. If he lived in Boston, he’s be just another pot-bellied lunch pail type sitting in the Garden stands with his Terry O’Reilly or Cam Neely jersey and a beer in each hand. And, like any good local Catholic, he’d hate the Canadeins, too.

Let us not forget the famous bumper sticker here in town.

“Jesus Saves! And Espo Scores on the Rebound!”

Hockey is a religion around here.

I don’t get it. Then again, why would I waste any time trying to “get” a single damn thing these sausage brained refugees of a defective lobotomy do, anyhow. I mean, if they were there protesting the NHL’s decision to keep the Coyotes in Phoenix for another 26 years, I could see it. That, I’d be on board with. Maybe if the signs said, “God Hates The Shoot-Out”. I’m there. Otherwise? All I’m praying for is the Bruins to get in the playoffs, people. I’m saying the Rosary every damn night for a puck moving defenseman at the trade deadline. Maybe a winger who can put the puck in the net. That’s worth a few Our Fathers to me, for sure.

Anyway, I’ve got a pretty decent solution in mind for this. The next time these dirt-kicking retards are scheduled to show up outside a hockey arena, we give the Hanson Brothers a call. In fact, get an entire western canadian beer league hockey team and put them in full Charlestown Chiefs uniforms, too. Foil and everything.

Then, we have them go to the protest and re-enact the final scene of Slap Shot with the Westboro Baptist Church as stand-ins for the Syracuse Bulldogs. I want each and every one of those unholy bastards pinned to the ground and beaten bloody by a crazed cement head, just pounded silly. I’m talking a VandenBussche vs. Kypreos type of beating.

All while a handsome, athletically built young man skates around them on rollerblades and does a long, drawn out striptease routine. Right down to his thong.

Now, admit it.

That would be righteous.

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3 Responses to “God H8s Ur Hockey”

  1. Ozzy McGurt Says:

    Candyasses. ‘Nuff said.

  2. KofC Says:

    Where’s Patrice Cormier with some brutal headshots when you need him? I’d be okay with that in this case. What a bizarre story…I do enjoy the tags on it, though.

  3. Ken Socrates Says:

    It’s like that old segment on Sesame Street. Which One Of These Is Not LIke The Other One?

    God, The Hanson Brothers or Heath Ledger.

    Hint: One of them cannot be found in my DVD collection.

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