26 More Years of Hell

    If there is, in fact, a Heaven and a Hell, all we know for sure is that Hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix.” Hunter S. Thompson

Well, this is stupid.

The NHL and some gang of stunted-brained roundheads called Ice Edge Holdings have decided that the solution to the embarrassing problem of the Phoenix Coyotes, as financially and competitively non-viable a franchise as any professional sports league has ever seen outside of MLS, is to keep them in Glendale.

For another 26 years.

Yes, folks, Ice Edge, four mouth breathing financial inbreds from the U.S. and Canada, actually believe that the Phoenix Coyotes can be successful in the desert with better management and promotion.

Are you fucking kidding me? This is a team that has, in the 12 seasons since moving from Winnipeg, posted a .501 winning percentage, near exactly the definition of mediocrity. They have not qualified for the playoffs since the 2001-02 season, which was their best, when they managed 40 wins and a sixth place conference seeding. That’s seven straight years out of the post-season, folks.

The people of Arizona have responded with appropriate apathy, this year more so than ever. Through 16 home games in the 2009-10 season the ‘Yotes had averaged an abysmal 9774, 55.9 % of their 17,000 plus capacity. Have I already used the word embarrassing? Last in the league, obviously, and 5,000 attendees fewer than the next most pathetic team team is beyond embarrassing. It’s untenable, unworkable and completely hopeless.

The financial mess that’s led them to this point is well documented and to rehash it would put me off me off my lunch, quite frankly. On May 5th of this year the team filed for Bankruptcy and after months of tedious legal wranglings, sale propositions and potential relocation offers, the team was officially sold to the NHL on November 3rd for $140 million dollars. Deptuy Commissioner of the NHL Bill Daly promptly announced, “It remains the NHL’s intention upon taking control of the club, to stabilize the club’s operations and, as quickly as possible, to resell the club to a new owner who is committed to operating the club in the Glendale/Phoenix market.”

Enter Ice Edge who’s cheif executive officer/screwhead Anthony LeBlanc happily tells us “Ice Edge has committed to keep the Coyotes in Glendale for the remaining term of the original lease.”

Which is 26 years.


Even Wayne Gretzky couldn’t save this team, people. The time has come to call it a night. Let the tumbleweeds blow through the ill named Jobing.com Arena and move that team northwards to place where people actually care about and know hockey.

Bring Back The Jets.


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One Response to “26 More Years of Hell”

  1. KofC Says:

    I was visiting my brother in Phoenix right when it was announced they’d play this season, and I admit I was selfishly glad I might have a chance to see them (before he’s moving away next year), but otherwise, I’m in agreement. NHL franchises should be for places that already prove they support hockey at the youth/college/minor league level.

    I’d like more Canadian NHL teams, and one in the Pacific Northwest (which hopefully could push Minnesota back into the same division as Chicago, so there could be true Midwestern rivalry again–sorry, Nashville). I also wouldn’t mind the league contracting, not just moving teams. I’m full of crazy dreams…

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