He was born in the glorious maelstrom that was the Boston Bruins Game 7 victory over the Toronto Maple Leafs. A creature of such primal ferocity that he can make an opposing defensemen lie awake all night sweating and hallucinating a giant black number 17 on their bedroom ceilings. He’s big, mean and talented and, if you need him to, he can throw your team on his back and carry them to victory against the most improbable odds.
He is Beast Mode Lucic.
BML to his friends.
And thanks to his Twitter @BeastModeLucic we can glimpse more into the tumultuous, visceral life this undiluted savage of a man lives. Through the miracle of social media we can glean fascinating insight into his personal activities, beliefs, hopes and desires, as well as a unique perspective on the Boston Bruins and the NHL.
Already, we have learned:
- He’s a big eater. Enjoys the odd beverage.
- He likes drawing and painting. And stealing MBTA busses after big wins.
- He owns a “mental baboon” named Angus Krejci.
- His sons will be named Rambo, Wolverine and Sasquatch.
- He gets warmed up for games by slamming Kaspars Daugavins off of nearby inanimate objects.
- Goes to Plaster Fun Time with Carl Soderberg to relax.
- A mentally damaged Mike Komisarek lives in his tool shed.
- He appreciates medieval weaponry and movies about Pterodactyls.
In his own words, via Twitter:
“Having a quiet night. And by that I mean hanging out at an abandoned quarry setting off pipe bombs with Mike Komisarek and a mental baboon.”
“Just thought of a good birthday present for Cam Neely. Claude Lemieux and Ulf Samuelsson jammed into a wood chipper. Don’t let me forget.”
“Listen, it’s not cruel that I have Mike Komisarek living in my tool shed & doing odd jobs. It’s me taking some responsibility for a destroyed human mind.”
“Last year I had Z over for a Game of Thrones viewing party. Fucker threw half my sectional through a 60″ lcd when Ned Stark got decapped.”
“Dreamt last night I was one of the Avengers and my code name was Captain Skullfucker. Called Dan Girardi to tell him about it. Dead silence.”
“Need more sharks around here. Thought of a new pregame ritual where I jump in Boston Harbor & beat the fuck out of a swarm of hammerheads.”
“Getting pumped for the game up on the roof of the TD slamming Kaspars Daugavins face off an old AC unit. He doesn’t seem to mind.”
“Pre game meal: A deep fried 22 lb turkey, a fistful of slim jims. Bowl of Captain Crunch and 3 bottles Guatemalen Coffee Stout. Ready.”
“During the TV timeout I showed Anton Stralman a drawing I made of him being eaten by a giant eel. I made with the crazy eyes. No reaction.”
“When I showed Mike Komisarek my iPad he just looked nervously away and cried a little. I worry about him.”
“Nobody realizes how crazy Greg Campbell is. Rents a room in Somerville, mostly eats hot dogs cooked over sterno. Always on about the UFOs.”
“Dougie Hamilton is an animal. No, I mean literally. Human beings don’t look like that.”
“Why is the Zoo closed at night? Goddamnit all I wanted was to say goodnight to the baby gorilla. Thanks a lot “zoo security”. Assholes.”
“Chris Neil called me. Some gibberish about dinosaurs and how his dad was “excessively hairy”. I need to change my number again.”
“Note to self: Write a horror movie about a 700 foot tall incontinent hobo. Send to Hollywood. Rake in the dough.”
“Tried to get things started with a Molotov Cocktail outside the Rangers dressing room but some security douches stopped me. Buzzkill.”
“When I shook hands with Rick Nash I had an overwhelming urge to apologize for what I said about his mom. Kind of glad I ignored it, actually.”
“Police scanner reporting a naked 6’9″ Eastern European looking guy sprinting up Hanover street with a bottle of Slovovitz high-fiving guys.”
“Z called me, still drunk I think. Invited me over for a cookout. “Not unless you put some clothes on, fucker!” Goddamned crazy giant.”
“Left 24 voicemails for Dion Phaneuf today. Mostly just farting noises. One time I recorded the toilet flushing. I’m sure he appreciates it.”
“If I had to guess I’d say Jarome Iginla spent most of today hiding under a rack at Lowe’s, huffing paint and talking to himself.”
“I feel good. Don’t get me wrong, my armpits smell like King Kong’s taint and I just threw up on Doug Houda. But I feel good.”
“Mike Komisarek got loose again. We found him in the dumpster at Autozone chewing on discarded wiper blades. Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Dear Haters: Brad Marchand’s big nose gets more pussy in any given weekend than you did during your best three year stretch.”
“I’m glad I’m not a Wookie. It’s one thing to be awkwardly tall or awkwardly hairy. But not both.”
“I just thought of a hilarious joke.
The 2013 Montreal Canadiens”
Something tells me there’s more where that came from.